Letter to a New Parent

in Blog Testimonials

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Dear One:

You are now the most powerful being on this planet.  You directly decide – how your child will live; what they will learn; where they will live; what things and people will influence their lives; what morals and boundaries will be created as a foundation for their lives.  Your every word and action – or lack of words and inaction have a direct affect on the life of your child.

I ask you to follow me in this exercise – Close your eyes and take a few moments to visualize:

Where do you want your child to live and grow up?  Is it an apartment, townhouse, house?  Is it filled with bright or muted colors?  Is it clean or messy?  Is if filled with things – old things – or more modern and spartan?  Is there food in the refrigerator?  What type of food is in the refrigerator?  Are there snacks to eat after a long day at school?  Are there clean clothes or is there a huge pile by the washing machine waiting to be done?  Do you have any animals to love and take care of?  What does your house smell like?  Dog, cat, smoke, fresh and clean, or is there food cooking on the stove to make the house smell inviting?

What is your home environment like?  Is your home filled with arguing or laughter?  Is there violence, anger, rage – or is there acceptance, love forgiveness and healthy boundaries?  Is there alcoholism, smoking, gambling, lieing, drugs, a trail of boyfriends/girlfriends – or is there integrity, honor, stability, loyalty, trust and safety?  Is it something in between?  Is it a home she wants to come home to?  Is it a place where she can dream, do her homework, and be a kid? 

See your daughter in elementary school.  What is she wearing?  Is she curious?  Does she enjoy learning?  Is she the teacher’s pet?  Is she a leader or follower?  Is she shy?  Is she a bully?  Is she a girly girl or a tom boy?  Does she have lots of friends?  Is she courageous?  Not afraid to ask the teacher a question or stand for another child who is being bullied…  Is her hair short or long?  Is she dirty or clean?  Does she have her homework done?  Is she a talker or is she quiet?  When do her eyes light up?  What makes her sad.

Now she is 20 years old – she is YOUR age.  What does she look like, act like, dress like?  Does she go to college?  Does she still have her young self or is she already older than her years?  Is she responsible?  Is she creative, talented – and making use of these gifts?  What does she say about you as a parent?  What does she love about you?  What does she not like about you?  What gifts have you given her that she is grateful for?  What mistakes have you made that made her life harder, sadder, and caused her pain?  What would you LIKE her to say about you as her parent?

When I was first pregnant with my son, I began to panic.  I didn’t want my children growing up in the same home that I grew up in.  I didn’t want to lose control of my anger with my kids.  I didn’t want a home filled with yelling and screaming.  I wanted to bring the good things forward and remove the destructive patterns.  It wasn’t enough to not want those things – I knew that if I was going to change these things, I was going to have to do some serious personal work…  Why??  We only do what we know or have experienced.  We parent the way we were parented.  And, I already knew that children do what we DO not what we say…  I chose to read books, go to workshops, start counseling, and hire nannies to find new ways, to create a new environment, what will you do?

So, love, my first questions to you are:

1.  What did you love about the way you were parented?  What did you love about the homes that you lived in?  What made you feel warm, safe, and secure inside?  What did you learn from your parents that you want to pass on to  your daughter/children?

2.  What are the patterns that existed in your home that you do NOT want to repeat with your children?  Be specific.  How are you already living these patterns?  How will you make sure you don’t repeat them?  Who will you choose to help support you in this difficult process?  What books will you read, classes will you take, advice will you take, etc.?

Remember that visualization you did earlier?  Go back there now…  If you want to live in a house – and the house is clean and filled with laughter, then it is YOUR job to create this dream.  Creating a dream means making CONSCIOUS choices – daily.  It takes vigilance, courage, tenacity, and it takes a PLAN!  And, you can do it!  You will make mistakes – you will fall down.  You are human.  The way you forgive yourself is the way she will forgive herself when she makes mistakes.  You are the most powerful being in her world.  You are the co-creator of her destiny.  How you treat her is how she will treat others – even her own children.  What are you willing to do to ceate this vision of her life?  What are you willing to sacrifice?  How hard are you willing to work?  How much do you love her?  How much do you love yourself?

Remember – you are not alone…

Love to you