From Shame to Destiny – Sex, sex, sex – Part II

in Blog Testimonials

Image for From Shame to Destiny – Sex, sex, sex – Part II

I was able to keep the “bad” girl (or Ginger) at bay for the first 10 years of my marriage.  She might eek out a bit here and there, but I was busy.  While raising small children, I didn’t have the energy for sex, let alone want more. 

My good boy was pretty rigid (excuse the pun) when it came to the bedroom.  He had lots of rules.  As our kids began to grow and I was less tired and stressed, I started to resent the rules.  I began to step into my sexual and “bad” girl nature.  I got my first tattoo at the age of 36, thanks Angie!  My second and third came within the next four years.  I was managing fitness centers, teaching aerobics and Spinning classes and lifting 5 days a week.  I had a pretty hot body for a 35+ year old.  I was feeling good about myself.  I dressed differently – more sexy and less conservative.  Ginger was emerging.

I started asking for different things during sex.  I wanted less rules.  I wanted different positions.  I wanted sex more than once in a day… I loved my husband but I realized that I was sexually frustrated.  I wanted outside the box.  The box where the “good boys and good girls” lived.  I needed MORE.  I was NOT Marianne.  What the HELL was I going to do???

Four years at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing (they spend one whole year on sexuality and healing our sexuality), hundreds of “aha” moments, and many years of therapy later – I stepped into ME, Cindy, not Ginger.  Cindy as a healthy, sexual, sensual adult.  Cindy as a comfortable, confident and less wounded being.  Cindy who was comfortable with her sexuality.  With her needs.  With her wants.  With her “waves”.

What all of my personal work taught me was that:  I had some very negative images around sexuality.  I held an enormous amount of guilt and shame due to these images.  I am not dirty because I enjoy sex.  I don’t have to be afraid of a man’s penis.  A man CAN control himself!  I had taken on many of my PARENTS images and beliefs around sex.  Now it was time to find my own beliefs.  The TRUTH of who I am – someone who LOVES sex, is curious, is willing, has safe boundaries, and doesn’t have a lot of rules – is WONDERFUL.  It’s OK to be sexual and sensual.  Sensuality and sexuality is not about the way I dress, the car I drive, or anything on the exterior.  It is a love of self that is INSIDE!  It is NOT OK to use sexuality and my sensuality to manipulate others.  It is NOT OK to lack integrity, loyalty, and honor and not hold true to my promises and values with regard to marriage and relationship.  I can be a sexual and sensual being without holding any guilt or shame.  I can be a sensual and sexual being and still hold integrity and honor.

One HUGE lesson for me was given by one of my teachers and mentors.  There was a man that was honest to God the most Gorgeous Specimen on this earth (and 10 years younger)!  He called me after my husband and I separated.  He WANTED me!!! OMG!!!  I was already dating my current husband.  What to do…what to do…  Well, for many reasons I said “No” to the younger man.  However, when I thought about him wanting to be with me, I would just grin from ear to ear and light up like a Christmas Tree.  This was NOT a good thing with my current beau.  My teacher had my beau and I together one evening.  He said:  “Cindy, think of this young man…”  I lit up!  He then said:  “He has helped you uncover a piece of your essence that has been buried for a long time.  The fact that this man wants YOU, brings out more of YOU and makes you more WHOLE.  When you attribute these good feelings to the OTHER person, you are giving your essence and power away.  IT IS NOT ABOUT HIM!  IT’S ABOUT YOU!  Now, what if you took that additional piece of your essence, the one that makes you light up and grin, and bring it your TRUE love.  What if you SHARE this piece of your essence with HIM??  How would that make you feel?”  What a turnaround?  I felt guilt and shame slide off my energetic back and shoulders.  I gladly, willingly, and happily brought ALL of this confidence, yummy, and juicy stuff to my true love.  I kept my power. 

I am human.  I am also a person who LOVES beauty.  People are God’s work of art!  When I see a beautiful woman OR man, I can appreciate their beauty without any additional attachment.  I don’t need to be with them.  I don’t want anything from them.  I am not dirty.  I am not a whore.  I am full.  I appreciate beauty. 

Well, I ended up leaving my husband of 23 years.  He is a GREAT man.  He is an AMAZING father.  We were good friends and better parents.  However, he married someone trying to be someone they weren’t.  He needed to find his sexual soul mate and I needed to find mine.  We both deserved a WHOLELY imperfect relationship.  I found a man who is my sexual soul mate.  He is also kind, generous, loving, tender, wise, strong, funny, and firm.  He is a seeker, like  me.  He is on his personal path, like me.  I feel incredibly blessed.

I am not Marianne.  I am not Ginger.  I am Cindy. 

Love to you