Moving from Shame – Sex & Sexuality

Sex is yummy.  Sex is delicious.  Sex is pleasure and sex is about self-love!  My longing is that more and more people can revel in their sexuality.  That this sacred place is filled with joy – not judgment and shame!  How we feel about sex and our sexuality is a good guage with regard to our sense of self-love.  To find more joy, yumminess, and beauty in your sexuality read further!

Does just saying the word “sex” make you cringe inside.  Do you feel you need to hide your sexuality?  Sex is a tough topic especially around shame.  Between society’s rules, religion’s rules, our parents’ rules, our friends’ rules, and our partners’ rules – we have been “ruled” to death.  Whose rules do we follow?  Whose rules are acceptable, or correct, or safe, or right.  We have also taken on beliefs from others – beliefs are different from rules.  Rules are the “how to” and beliefs are the thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Therefore, if we are a member of a religion that has strict rules around sex and sexuality, and you don’t follow these rules, the belief would be that you are:  bad, wrong, a sinner, evil, going to hell, need to repent, etc.  So, women/men who ____ are _____.  See where I’m going?

 Standing in your Inner Authority

 Your Inner Authority creates your individual boundaries.  We are all unique.  One person’s boundaries around sex (and what makes them feel safe) and their sexuality will be different from another’s.  So, it is time to throw out all those rules that were put upon you by others and society.  It is time to go on an Inner Authority Mission!  Trusting yourself to guide you in what makes you:  feel good, feel safe, feel joyous and proud!

It was time to have another awkward discussion with my daughter about sex.  Even though we have had many of these talks over her 17 years, we were both still uncomfortable…  I wanted to discuss boundaries –  how far was “too” far for her and her boyfriend to go.  The advice I gave her was this:  The gauge for you to use is what feels good in your heart and soul – not just your body.  Your body can get caught up in the moment and in the physicality.  But we are not just physical people – we have thoughts, emotions, hearts, and souls.  ALL must be considered and honored to decide what and when is right for you.  This “guage” is instrumental to keep shame out of this essential and blissful part of your life!  If what feels good before and during does NOT feel good after – if there is remorse, questions, or you feel the need to have a negative conversation with yourself – then you have crossed over your boundaries.  The goal with sex and sexuality is that it ALWAYS feels good.  You should feel just as good AFTER as you did before and during in your heart, soul, and body!  Listening to your heart, your emotions, your mind, and your soul is the path to finding and then standing in your inner authority with regard to sex. 

 To step deeper into your Inner Authority I am going to ask you to get out a piece of paper and pencil.  I am then going to ask you to take the rules and beliefs you have about sex and put them on hold for a moment.  Now ask yourself these questions and take your time answering:  What are YOUR boundaries around sex?  Where are you comfortable and where are you not comfortable? Where is your heart?  How do you honor your heart around sex and your sexuality.  Where do you connect and disconnect with your intimate partner?  Where does joy, bliss, delicousness, beauty, and yumminess live in your sexuality and sex life??

Creating an Environment that is filled with Safety & Trust

Creating boundaries based on your individual Inner Authority is so important so that you can feel safe.  Once you feel safe you can relax and fall deeper into that place of pleasure, beauty and self-love.  Of course, there is more to it than that…

Another reason I spoke to my daughter about taking her time and checking out how she felt, was because I wanted her to make sure she felt safe and trusted the boy she was choosing to kiss, touch and eventually make love to.  When you move too fast, or when you are intimate with a partner that is not deserving of your trust, you betray yourself and reinforce old, negative beliefs that you carry about sex and your sexuality. This validates the shame that already lives and breathes within you.  Making love is a sacred act.  It is a place where the most spiritual, loving connection can be made with another.  Honoring the sacredness by choosing wisely, removes any shame that wants to invade your sexuality.

 Staying Present

 Staying present is key to taking shame out of your sexuality.  When you can’t stay present, you are either in judgment, shame, guilt, the past or the future.  ANYPLACE but your heart and in the present.  The white noise that is filling your head is keeping you from that intimate connection.  It is also keeping you from a place of self-love, trust, and wholeness.  Asking yourself these additional questions can be key to releasing shame around your sexuality:  Can you be present when making love with your intimate partner?  Are you in the moment or are you constantly thinking – about the past, about the future, about them, about you…  Can you look them in the eyes?  Can you see your partner through the eyes of your heart?  Can you receive pleasure?  Do you freely give pleasure?  If you answer any of these with a “No”, then it is time to take a deeper look at your beliefs and rules around sex. 

Can You Forgive Yourself

Being able to forgive yourself is another guage or marker for how much compassion you have for yourself and your humanness!  When you are “looking for love in all the wrong places”, can you forgive yourself?  When you go too fast or overstep your personal boundaries, can you forgive yourself?  When you can’t stay present, can you forgive yourself?  Forgiveness is the last “key” I would like to share with regard to removing shame from your sexuality.  Can you be in a place of curiosity and not judgment?  When you are able to sit in your curiosity and forgiveness versus calling yourself ugly names, you can take a GIANT LEAP away from shame.  Next time you find yourself unhappy with regard to your sexuality, try having this conversation with yourself:  “Huh, here I am again.  What is the NEED that I am trying to fill with my sexuality that brings me shame instead of joy?  How do I change this pattern?” 

I am NOT a Therapist

One of my many “aha” moments during my time at The Barbara Brennan School of Healing is that we ALL carry some shame around our sexuality.  We have been wounded somehow during our lives.  Your “aha” moments that allow you to release shame and step further into self-love might be as simple as reading this blog.  Others might need some additional help!  A friend, a therapist, a sexual therapist, self-help books about honoring your sexuality – please don’t discount any and all resources that are at your disposal to help you on this path to bring wholeness, acceptance and bliss into your life.

Our sexuality is a sacred place that is all about loving yourself and feeling joy and pleasure.  So, move over shame – here comes BLISS!

  Love to you

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