Removing Shame from your Life

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Shame is one of the lowest resonances of energy we can hold in our bodies and in our field.  It feels dark and heavy physically and mentally.  Shame makes us feel like a part of us is bad or evil, or that we have done wrong, and it cannot be fixed. 

When do we feel shame?  When we are 1) imperfect – make a mistake or fail at something, 2)  not accepting of ourselves and our humanness, 3) at fault and don’t think we can fix or clean up our mess, 4) Sinners, 5) Regretful, 6) Disgraced, humiliated, or judged, 7) A disappointment to others…to name a few.

There are large areas where shame exists societally.  Sex is a hot topic.  We judge ourselves and feel shame if we like it, hate it, orgasm a lot – or never, had sex too young, or are a virgin too long.  Sexuality is an issue if we are homosexual, bisexual, metrosexual, transgender, transvestites, swingers, alternative lifestylists, etc.  Pregnancy can bring shame if you have an abortion, miscarry, or put the baby up for adoption.  Illness can bring shame – mental illness, cancer, autism, learning disorders, and many more.  Money is a big one, especially in this economy!  Either we are ashamed that we have too much (and don’t share “enough”), too little, have filed bankruptcy, foreclosure, bad credit, or have been wasteful and made poor financial decisions.  Intelligence, parenting skills, whether we are extroverts or introverts, and even driving records – shame and judgment seems to follow us wherever we go!

How do we go about removing shame from our life?  How do we move past and beyond this negative and destructive emotion?  One thing is for certain:  We can’t stop others from judging us!  We can only change ourselves, how we see life, how we react, and how we see (and judge) others.

Acceptance and the Need to be Superior.   This is such a tough one.  I have a very large Judge within me.  I know, I know – it is because I am afraid of others judging me first.  But how do we learn to have more compassion – and with compassion, acceptance?  It is simple really – one judgment at a time.  Whenever I see someone and want to roll my eyes – because I think they are too fat, or too thin, or are wearing outfits I don’t approve of I:  1) Silently ask for forgiveness from that person, 2) Ask for God to forgive me for judging another, 3) Ask myself who made me their judge and superior to them!  After a few years of this I now giggle at myself when I find myself judging another.  The giggle comes from my knowledge of myself:  Oh, here is that young place again.  Here I am trying to be “Miss Fashionista” and the Queen of all that is good and right in the World.  Bow everyone…”  I can laugh at myself and my need to judge others – while asking for forgiveness and moving on with my day.  I try to remind myself that we are all the walking wounded.  I try to put myself in others’ shoes.  I try to remember how difficult it is to be judged and humiliated.  I don’t wish that on another human being.  After a couple of years of giggling at my need to be superior, I find that I am much more accepting of myself as well as others.  I don’t know their story, and they don’t know mine.  When I make a mistake I remind myself that I am human, what is important is that I clean up the mess I made with that mistake…

Cleaning Up Our Messes.  Once we accept that we can make mistakes, then it just follows that others can make mistakes too.  What is vital as we are adults is to have the courage to clean up the messes we make.  Yes, I said Courage!  It takes a lot of courage to look someone in the eye and be vulnerable:  “I am sorry that I just hurt your feelings by my last comment.  I didn’t mean it the way it came out.  Please accept my apology.”  It takes courage to go back to someone and say:  “I lied to you.  I told you that I was here, and I was really there.  I am telling you because I have a longing to live a life of integrity.  I am sorry.  I will do my best to not lie to you again.”  It especially takes courage to admit a mistake BEFORE you are caught!  This is actually the BEST time to tell.  You can prevent lots of drama, pain, and anguish if you can muster up the strength and chuztpah to clean up the mess before it becomes a full-fledged disaster.  You will feel so much lighter in your soul EVERY time you clean up a mess! 

Wearing the black and white hats.  We are capable of great things.  We are capable of horrible things.  We can make good choices and poor choices…sometimes even in the same day!  We can be screaming at someone in traffic in the morning and then giving a street person money for dinner that evening.  We can be teachers and mentors professionally and then come home tired, ragged, and have little patience with our family.  We are the sum of our choices, right?  The bad doesn’t dilute or take away from the good.  It is not a one to one ratio.  If you can accept that we can wear both the black and white hats, then you are moving forward to removing the need to label people as good or bad, or actions as right or wrong.  By removing labels, you are removing shame.

Having an objective third party.  A therapist can give us tools to help us remove shame.  An energy worker can do the same.  Of course, don’t ever discount the healing that comes from talking to your best friend!  These are great places for you to find out why you carry shame.  They are wonderful places to check out your version of reality.  Is there another way to see the situation?  To interpret what happened?  To see yourself from the eyes of another can bring peace.  Typically we treat our friends better than we treat (and judge) ourselves.  There are psychological models of work that can help you use your own reason to witness and observe your feelings, guilt and shame.  Use these resources on your healing path!

Moving beyond shame is possible.  By working diligently on this path, we are able to make more room for joy, bliss, compassion, and acceptance – of ourselves and others.

Love to you