Ode to the Death of a Dream – or the Transformation of One…

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At some point as adults, we have all experienced a loss of our dreams.  Here’s the reality, however…We don’t ever have to lose our dreams.  They don’t have to die.  They might just be different from what we originally envisioned…

It was tough to say goodbye to a 23 year marriage.  It was tough to say goodbye to diamonds, furs, and an elegant life.  But the toughest goodbye is a 43 acre parcel of land in horse and wine country.  It is just a raw plot of land.  There are no buildings.  Just trees, gophers, foxes, a creek, lots of grass and weeds.  It is the side of a mountain.  But in my mind, it was the place of my future home and energy practice.

This land was a symbol.  It symbolized a last ditch effort to save a marriage; an era of prosperity and an upper-class status; most importantly it symbolized my life-long dream.  From the time I was a little girl I wanted to live on a horse farm.  I started riding horses at a neighbor’s farm when I was five.  I would rise with the sun and sit, waiting outside the barn doors for the owner to come and let me help groom the horses, clean the tack, and muck the stalls – all for a few minutes on the back of one of their horses.  I had envisioned my own farm with lots of space for peace, quiet, and privacy.  I envisioned a safe haven for all my animals – horses, dogs, cats, hens – misfits, rescues and pedigrees.  I envisioned the beauty of lots of green trees and green pastures.  The sounds of barking, mooing, meowing, and neighing.  I wanted the “life” that came with the farm.  Lots of animals and people – the barn manager, the groundsmen, the grooms, and, of course, me and my family. 

Childhood grew into adulthood.  I became a mom, fitness professional, and then energy worker.  My dream grew from horse farm to a home that held animals and a place for me to work.  A place to help people become more healthy and happy.  When I found this property, I found a place where I could manifest my life dream – of beauty, space, life, and healing.  It was perfect.  My ex husband and I created an intention for the Healing Barn.  We drew up plans, we planted crystals and had ceremonies to bless the land, all “who” lived on it, and all that would enter it…  We envisioned a place where mind, body, spirit, growth, uniqueness, peacefulness, curiosity, and conscious awareness are promoted, valued and nurtured.  A safe haven filled with positive intention, laughter, love, healing, light, playfulness, pleasure, bliss, healthy boundaries, and spirituality.  Where all God’s creatures (with two and four legs) are treated with integrity, respect, importance and without judgment.  A space where the true essence of people is seen and mirrored back to them, and where the wounded parts are heard and held with compassion.  A home to those on the path to Profound Health – Health of the physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.  A place that brings a new reality to those that are drawn here A place of love, healing and spirit.  I was ecstatic – my life-long dream was coming true on the most beautiful place on earth…  But God had different plans for me and my Healing Barn…

Money started to run out.  The recession was in full swing.  We pulled in our budget, met with financial managers, and put our financial focus on keeping our house, our horses, and the land.  While my dream of a home and Healing Barn were put on hold, other issues in our marriage would wait no longer.  It became obvious that the “last” obstacle we had in our marriage was just too large.  We both deserved better in our lives.  We deserved relationships that were whole.  We deserved to “have it all” – notice that I didn’t say that it would be perfect, but a relationship that was “wholly imperfect”.  To make this decision took courage – courage to break up a family that I loved, to hurt those I love, and to lose the dreams that came with my marriage.  The last of those dreams still standing until this week was 43 acres of land.  So, here I sit.  Feeling freedom from a financial burden.  Feeling the past behind me and ready to move forward – into a NEW dream.  Yet, feeling sadness and grief for the dreams that were left behind.  The dreams created by a little girl as she rode her pony and a young woman who walked down the isle to her knight in shining armor.   

How will I, as a 48 year old woman, manifest her new dreams??  This middle aged woman doesn’t want the financial or physical burden of a 43 acre horse farm.  The practicality isn’t nearly as romantic as it seemed.  I am thinking that simplicity is more in order.  I want to spend my mornings in bed with my husband – not out in the fields with horses.  I want to spend my time growing my practice.  I want to travel.  I want less rather than more – less things, less furniture, less land, and less responsibilities.  (Not ready to give up my clothes or shoes, however!!).  I want a smaller house with smaller needs.  So, my Healing Barn might NOT be a barn!!  I KNOW that my healing space will hold my positive intention for me, my clients, and my practice – this is all that matters.

Thank you land for helping me create a vision.  Thank you God for the trust in Divine Will that I can manifest it in a different way.  I WILL have my dream.  I WILL have a life that is wholly imperfect!  Thank you land and Good Bye…

Love to you