From Shame to Destiny

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“Sit down Cindy.  Be quiet Cindy.  Be a good girl.”  I heard these words over and over from my parents growing up.  I am sure they got as sick of saying them as I was from hearing them.  My report cards were no different.  “Cindy is a bright and lovely child.  She would get more out of the class, however, if she would spend more time listening and less time talking.”  “Cindy has trouble sitting still during class.” I was actually asked to leave the library as a five year old because I was too loud.

My voice, my words, my ability to distract myself and others, my loudness, and my “bigness”, were not assets as I was growing up.  These qualities got me in quite a bit of trouble, actually.  Time outs.  Being ostracized by others.  Chastised.  Disappointment.  As I grew, I learned ways to “tame” myself – bring it down a few notches.  I also found healthy outlets – singing, dancing, theatre productions, and then teaching aerobics.  But still, out of those environments my voice, my words, my bigness and loudness was a problem to others.  In my early 20’s I was the only administrative assistant given an office.  Why?  Not because I was the BEST at my job.  I was given an office so that the owner of the company didn’t have to hear my loud voice (he also hated my laugh).

Most of my life I held a lot of shame about who I was as a person.  I liked that I loved life, but I hated that my love of life annoyed others.  Every time I was asked to stop talking, speak quietly, laugh softer, and sit still, I was reminded how bad, silly, stupid, and embarrassing I was to myself and others.  Then, at 44 years old, I went to Brennan.  I was able to see that I had some incredible core qualities.  However, these qualities were tainted by my fear.  It was my unconscious demand that I be seen and heard that made me talk incessantly, speak and laugh loudly, and have my energy field extend out so far (i.e. my bigness).

By consciously working on my curious observer, my “aha” moments around my need to be seen and heard were life changing.  Acceptance began to replace shame.  When I realized that even at my quietest I will still be considered loud, it helped me relax my voice.  My need to give input and the tone of my voice shifted.  When I realized that when I walk in a room, with the God given bigness of my personality, I WILL BE SEEN no matter what, my need to be the center of attention began to wane.  With acceptance came an inner peace that allowed me to bring in my field and sit quietly and comfortably for the first time in my life.

My curious witness has been my best friend in helping me transform shame into destiny.  Identifying my fear and defenses that “taint” my core essence qualities was essential to having me see these qualities in a completely different fashion.  As my curious observer witnessed my relaxation around the fear that was driving my “over the topness” – due to my lack of enoughness – I began to realize that my effortless ability to put my thoughts into words was an asset.  My lack of fear around speaking in front of others – another asset.  Finally, my skill at bringing a group together and inspire their passion – a Blessing!  For public speaking bigness is a requirement!  These core essence qualities that brought me shame most of my life were given to me for a reason – not to punish me, but to speak to, motivate, and teach others.

I no longer apologize for who I am.  I AM passionate.  I AM big.  I AM louder than the average bear.  I now LOVE my Joie De Vivre.  My laugh expresses my passion and my essence.  My destiny to be an energy worker, motivational speaker and teacher couldn’t be reached without these qualities!  Bye, bye shame…Good riddens!