Finding Your Healthy “No” – Depression & The No Current – Part III

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Finding Your Healthy No – To Find Your Healthy Yes!!  This is an integral part of moving from the No current to moving to the Yes current!  There are three types of No’s.  There is the Whiney No.  There is the FY No. And, there is the Healthy No.  By living and speaking your healthy No, you can have a wonderfully clean, and healthy YES!!!

The Whiney No:  No one listens to the whiney no because you have left the door open for a yes to come if they persist.  People will still push.  This makes you feel bad that you are saying no and angry because they won’t leave you alone.  Then, when you turn the whiney no into a yes (which is really a yes when you MEAN no), you feel weak, disrespected, no heard, and resentful.  A whiney no is also a validated no.  I can’t because I have to… (and this reason might or might not be true).  Again, people will try to push through this and find a way to make your no a yes.  Victim, victim, victim.

When you say Yes when you really mean No you have betrayed yourself.  It creates bubbling rage, bitterness and frustration because it betrays your truth.  It betrays your needs and wants.  Yes, you want people to like you.  Yes, you dislike conflict.  But when you say Yes because of these things – you are saying Yes out of fear.  Fear that others will dislike you, and they will leave you.  Saying Yes when you mean No happens when you fear others more than you like, love, and respect yourself.

 Eventually you can only take so much of the Whiney No until you step into the FY No.  The FY No comes from a place of anger and rage.  The victim no longer wanting to be a victim anymore…  “How dare you take advantage of me.  I won’t allow it anymore.”  Sound familiar??  This option is more healthy than saying Yes when you mean No.  However, it says that you ARE a victim.  It is also potentially abusive, hurtful, and mean.  Throwing y our anger on another will push people away.  These can be people you love, have friendships with, co-workers, etc.  The TRUTH is that YOU SET THE BOUNDARIES IN YOUR LIFE.  You need to take responsibility for the choices you have made in the past.  YOU created this situation – not them.  Now you can fix it!

The Healthy No!  Finally, right?!  The healthy No needs few words.  Needs very little validation and needs NO Anger!  It is being true to yourself.  In this place you are confident and grounded in your No.  It might sound like this:  “I love you, but I can’t help you right now.”  Or:  “I would like to, but I have other plans.”  Or:  “This has no reflection on my love or feelings for you, but I can’t do what you ask.”

How to get to the Healthy No.  Create Options (if appropriate).  In what scenario would you say yes?  For example:  If your boss wants you to work late, but you have plans.  You know that saying No could mean being overlooked for that next promotion.  Can you come in early tomorrow?  Can you stay late tomorrow might?  Can you come in after your plans are done?  Can you do this tonight at home when you are done?  Can you re-schedule your personal appointment to the next night?  How can you make this a win/win situation?  Don’t feel that you need to validate or explain your appointment!!  This brings you back to the Whiney No.  So, step away from either/or thinking for you AND the other. 

Being vulnerable and asking for your needs is important.  These are scary things to do, I know.  But, to find a solution that will work for both parties you might need a few moments to think.  So, here’s another option for your boss:  “I have plans tonight.  Please give me a few minutes to think of a viable solution that will get both of us where we need to be.”  If you get frazzled and need time to open your mind to options – ASK for it!  And, be honest and speak your fears.  “I am afraid if I say No to saying late, I will be overlooked for the next promotion, and I don’t want that to happen.  What, besides me staying late tonight, can I do to prevent that from happening.”  This also asks your boss to be a part of finding a solution to the problem at hand.

 A Healthy No Creates a clean and Healthy YES!!!  Your Yesses are now honest, true and a gift!  Now, when you say Yes, you can and will give 100% instead of grudgingly being somewhere you don’t want to be doing something you really don’t want to do!  When you have a Healthy No & Yes, you can then step up to give another gift – Saying Yes even though you don’t necessarily want to…back to the “boss” example:  “I know this is very important to you.  I will cancel my plans to do this with you because I respect you – or I really want this opportunity to strut my talents.”  By saying it this way, you are explaining that you are CHOOSING to give them a true gift.  The gift of you in all of your essence.

 Love to you